THE 8 HABITS OF THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND LOVE

This is a piece taken from a previous edition of Rover Report Monthly. Read and learn.

 

From what is happening in most relationships, it is obvious that although everyone talks of love, very few understand what it is. I want you to test how much you understand love. I am going to give you 8 habits of those who truly understand love and see how many of them fit you.

  1. Those who understand love hold themselves accountable to those they love. Holding yourself accountable to anyone is not easy and yet real freedom comes only when we are accountable to someone. And that is one of the blessings of a love relationship. A love relationship gives you someone to be accountable to and this goes for both men and women. It is therefore unfortunate that many people in a relationship do not see why they should inform their partners of where they are going and explain why they have not come home on time. Such people show by their unwillingness to be accountable that they do not really understand love. Some men just get up and leave home without saying anything to their wives. Now, picture the following. Imagine that when you leave home, someone comes looking for you and asks your wife, “Where is your husband?” How can your wife answer that question? Or what if something happens to you when you leave home. Where do your wife and family begin looking for you? If you cannot tell your loved one where you are going and why, then you are living a double life and you are a danger to yourself.  Those who understand love know that to love is to be accountable because you recognize that someone also has a stake in your life.
  2. They are kind to their love – kind in their words, kind in their actions and kind in their thoughts towards their love. Kindness is missing in a lot of relationships. Many are not kind in their actions or with their words etc. but love is kind. Love does not aim to hurt and when love hurts, it is very eager to make amends and to ease the pain as much as possible.
  3. They are supportive. We yearn for love because we want someone who will be there for us and someone who will be supportive, someone who will affirm us over and over. And when our partners do not support us or affirm us, they undermine the basic reason why we entered into the relationship. Those who understand love understand that a key job description of a lover is to be supportive and affirming. You must be your partner’s biggest fan and cheerleader. Being supportive of your partner can come in many ways. It may mean that when your partner’s schedule at work gets too tight, you take on more of the household chores. It may mean making time to listen to your partner talk of his/her fears and insecurities and giving the necessary assurances. It may mean putting off the TV when your partner is studying for an exam. I hope you get the idea.
  4. They broaden their minds. Those who understand love do not stop growing and learning. There is nothing more frustrating than being in a relationship with someone who refuses to broaden his/her mind. Too many women stop growing and expanding their horizons once they begin having children. Some men stop growing and learning as soon as they begin to earn good money. Those who understand love know that love grows when those in the relationship are also committed to their continual growth in maturity.
  5. They give more than they receive from the relationship. Jesus said that it is more blessed to give than to receive and this applies in love relationships too. If you are receiving more from your relationship than you are giving, then something is wrong and you don’t really understand love. So, take a critical look at your relationship and ask yourself what your contribution is to the relationship.  If you draw a balance sheet for your relationship can you balance the accounts? Find ways of contributing to the health and vitality of your relationship and you will be securing your own fulfillment.
  6. They do not sacrifice who they are. They may suspend their own programmes and plans for a season but they do not give up their dreams completely. Anyone who sacrifices who they are for a relationship eventually makes the relationship pay for the sacrifice. It is sad that many people, especially women, sacrifice who they are just to keep a relationship going. They give up dreams of going back to school. They give up dreams of pursuing a career. They give up dreams of exploring their creative selves. They may even stop being fashionable because their men are not comfortable with it. The issue is, when you give up so much for the relationship, over time, you will become resentful and it will come out in surprising ways and undermine your relationship. So, suspend your dreams in the short term maybe, to make time for the children to grow but as soon as the children are able to take care of themselves or as soon as you find someone to help with the children, reactivate your personal programmes. Now that you are in a relationship, the dreams may need some revision and adjustment but definitely not total abandonment.
  7. Those who understand love don’t take their partners for granted. One of the giant killers of a relationship is the tendency to take your partner for granted. This is where you get to the point where you don’t bother with the needs of your partner and don’t even bother to show appreciation. Love grows when you don’t take your partner for granted. When was the last time you added please to a request you made of your partner? Is it: Please close the door behind you or hey, close the door behind you. The first is respectful and shows that you are not taking your partner for granted. The second is rude and shows that you are taking your partner for granted. Give me money shows that you are taking your partner for granted. Can you please give me some money? This shows some respect. It is better to even say, Darling, do you have some money on you? I need some money. Can you please sort me out? When was the last time you said thank you to your love? Thank you for your love. Thank you for tidying the room. Thank you for the meal. Those who understand love do not take their partners for granted.
  8. Those who understand love don’t fight to win; they fight to save and strengthen the relationship. It is very easy to want to fight to win. The problem with that is that when you win, your partner whom you love loses. And if you really love that person then his/her loss is your loss too. So, victories in fights between lovers are always Pyrrhic victories. Where there is love, you don’t fight to win; you don’t fight to beat the other into submission. Your objective for fighting is to save the relationship and to strengthen it. Now if that is your goal then you will choose your words carefully in your fights. You will be careful with your actions when you are fighting because you have no intention to hurt the person you love but to call attention to what could be a threat to your relationship.

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MAKE ME A WOMAN TONIGHT- ANOTHER CLASSIC BY UNCLE EBO WHYTE

It was not until the stage lights went off that the audience realized two things. One, that they had lost track of time whilst enjoying themselves and two, that it was only a six member cast that held the audience spellbound for this long.

And enjoyed themselves they did!

When Uncle Ebo announced that MAKE ME A WOMAN TONIGHT was his best play yet, it was quite difficult to believe. The patrons had seen the best in the previous play, and they did not think that any play could overtake that one. But they didn’t know what was coming. They didn’t anticipate that level of excitement. They couldn’t fathom that depth of knowledge. They couldn’t imagine that level of laughter. And oh, they didn’t think that the curtain bow could have been so mesmerizing.

 All in all, it was a very fantastic show, and patrons who were interviewed shared their experiences. This has been a worthy opener for 2014, and this is only a warm up session.

Like Uncle Ebo Whyte will say, “that was a great play, but my best play is my next play.”

Can Uncle Ebo and the team from Roverman outdo themselves in next quarter’s production? Be at the National Theatre to find out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sqpUfyHIPw

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WHEN GOOD PEOPLE ARE DESTROYED

This piece was taken from edition 61 of the Rover Report Monthly. Grab a copy of Rover Report from any Shell Shop and enjoy inspiring pieces such as this one.

 

Seth was appointed the CEO of a state owned enterprise that was on the verge of collapse. Everything in the organization had broken down. Its service to the public had become unreliable and erratic. Staff morale was at its lowest ebb as salaries were in three months’ arrears. Many thought that Seth was crazy to accept the appointment but he was convinced of the potential of the company and could not see how with the right leadership he could not turn the organization from a loss making to a profit making firm. He took office and immediately put in place some measures meant to turn the fortunes of the company around.

He discovered a number of serious loopholes: (i) the purchasing system was flawed to the extent that non-existent suppliers could claim multiple payments for the same supply. And the organization was paying 100 times the prices for items on the open market. What was selling for 10 cedis in the market was being invoiced to the organization for 1,000 cedis. Invoices were paid in full without any system to ascertain that the goods have been delivered.

(ii) The organization was providing service without any system for demanding payment from its customers and clients. In most cases there was no record of who owed the company.

Seth, an experienced manager and corporate leader, immediately put in place effective internal controls. The result — stealing stopped; over invoicing stopped; suppliers who had not delivered were either blacklisted or forced to deliver; those who owed the company were put under extreme pressure to pay up and most of them did pay up. The salary arrears were cleared and within 6 months, Seth had turned the company around. Its accounts had moved from deep red to black.

Meanwhile, there were things happening that baffled Seth. He had always kept the board and management in the picture and had involved everyone in the company and yet there were persistent anonymous letters to the government and reports in the media accusing him of running a one man show, of abusing his office, of embezzling funds and all manner of misconduct. Initially, he dismissed these letters and reports as the work of those who were stealing from the company and now had no way of milking the company dry. He was sure that he would be supported by his board of directors and by the generality of the staff who had ample evidence of the huge difference he had made to the fortunes of the company. He was convinced that those who mattered would know that he had saved the company from bankruptcy. So he was not that bothered.

Then one day, the staff went on strike, a strike that was extensively covered by some sections of the media. The staff accused him of killing the company and demanded his immediate resignation or dismissal. The staff addressed a press conference and painted him as the worst manager the company has ever had. The charges in the statement were blatant lies. But the next thing he knew, the board had called an emergency meeting to ask him to resign and when he asked why he should resign, the sector minister ordered his dismissal. Within two days he was out, and publicly disgraced as a corrupt and incompetent CEO.

The corrupt and greedy people in the company had had their way. They had been able to paint a good man black to get him dismissed. Seth was shattered. His reputation was in shambles. He was finished.

Where is God when good people are targeted by evil people for destruction? Where is God when decent people are framed up and put into trouble by those whose selfish and greedy interests are threatened by the uprightness of decent and good people? Why does God permit evil people to get away with destroying good people?

If you have ever tried to make a difference or bring change to a terrible situation then I am sure that you have asked yourself these questions before. A good minister of state who wants to protect the interest of the state against the corruption of greedy people is given a bad name and sent packing and those who did that get away with it to continue raping the nation. The person who stands up against corruption in any setting is framed up and dismissed and those who did that get away with it. Why do these things happen? Where is God when these things are happening?

These are questions the story of Easter provides some answers for. Jesus was a good man who healed the sick, raised the dead and gave hope to multitudes with his teachings. And he exposed the corruption of the religious authorities of his time. But these authorities were able to use their influence to arrest him; put him through a sham trial and get the Roman governor to pass the death sentence on him. And you look at Jesus being beaten and tortured and finally being nailed to the cross and you ask yourself, why do good people suffer and why does God allow these things to happen to good people? Where was God when the corrupt religious leaders were using all kinds of shady means to destroy Jesus?

Well, if you know the Easter story, you will know that God was there and was actually working out his purposes for Jesus and for us all. From my own experience, I have come to the conclusion that whenever God allows evil people to destroy a good man, it means that God has something far better in mind for the good man. A good man cannot be destroyed no matter how far his enemies are allowed to go.

I am reminded of the case of one of Vice Chancellor at one public university in Ghana. He took office and set about turning the fortunes of the university around. In the process he made some enemies who committed themselves to destroying him and removing him from office. Fortunately for them, the professor’s adult son joined a syndicate that was involved with the leaking of exam papers. Note, the VC’s office had nothing to do with exam papers and yet the professor’s enemies quickly latched onto the young man’s misconduct and demanded that he resign. It was a bitter battle but in the end, the professor’s enemies got their way and he was ousted in disgrace.

Those of us who knew the professor were shattered. We asked, why will God allow things like this to happen to good people?

Well, two years after the disgrace, I met the professor’s wife at a public function and I asked her, how is my brother?

The woman smiled and said, “Your brother is very fine.” Then she said, “You know, his dismissal was the best thing that happened to us. It drew him closer to God and made him clean up his private life. And it opened doors for him internationally that we never dreamt about.

It turned out that as soon as the world knew that he had become available, offers began to come in from many good universities around the world. The professor’s disgrace had been God’s way of moving him on. And that is how I believe good people should take some of the things that are thrown at them. Let your enemies have their way but you, continue trusting God and doing the right thing and you will discover that you will have the last laugh.

When good people are being targeted, God laughs because he knows that good people cannot be destroyed. And that is the truth.

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WHY DO YOU FIGHT?

Below is part one of a two part write up in the Rover Report Monthly. The second part will be posted on Thursday.

WHY DO YOU FIGHT?

I am going to prophesy about what is going on in your relationship, that is if your relationship is not a new one. Here goes: You and your partner have been having increasingly frequent and vicious fights. You don’t enjoy the fights and yet you cannot seem to stop fighting. You are not even sure what causes the fights. One moment you are having a great time and the next you are saying hurtful words to each other. And after each fight you feel devastated and promise yourself that you will not fight again or you promise yourself that the last fight will be the end of the relationship because you will walk away. And yet you have not walked away except that these fights have drained out the spontaneity that used to be in your relationship. Now all you seem to be doing is moving from one bitter fight to even more bitter fight. Indeed, if you make it through a week without a fight you feel like celebrating. You are confused and dejected. You are sure that love is gone from your relationship and you are lost as to what to do.

By now I am sure that you are asking themselves, how did he know what we are going through? I will not be surprised if some people convince themselves that their spouse or partner has come to tell me what is going on in their relationship.

Well, this is no prophecy. And no one has come to ask me to do this kind of piece. But the fact that it will apply to many couples only points out that this is a very common occurrence in love relationships. Sad as it is, couples fight and their fights keep getting more and more vicious. But the important question is, why do we fight in our love relationships?

You may think that the causes of your fights differ from one fight to the other but in fact the fights are caused by the same thing. I am going to highlight the basic reason most of us fight in our relationships. We fight because of fear – fear of losing something that has come to mean a lot to us. We fight because we are insecure and when we see threats to that which mean so much to us, we go on the attack. We fight as a way of raising an alarm that our relationship is under threat.

The fear may be triggered by a word or a situation or an attitude or a criticism or by an individual – it doesn’t really matter what triggers it. The effect is still the same. It brings out the worst in us.

Now, if you knew that your partner’s angry words are caused by her fear of losing you, don’t you think you would respond differently? If you knew that your husband’s difficult attitude is caused by insecurity, would you not be more reassuring instead of being bitter and vicious and worsening the situation?

You know, it may not be apparent on the outside but we are all in one way or the other crying out for love and acceptance. We cry out in various ways —some of us do it with outrageous behaviour. Some do so by dressing just to catch attention. Others do so by burying who they are and becoming agreeable to everything their partner wants of them. However we do it, we are all crying out for love and attention. We all need to be loved and accepted. It is a need and a hunger we never outgrow.

The unfortunate thing is that we don’t always know we are crying out for love, attention and acceptance. And when we are aware, we do not find it proper to admit it. Instead, what we do is to provoke those from whom we want the love and acceptance, with our words and behaviour. The effect is the opposite of what we expect and that is what makes love relationships so painful and difficult.

You think that there’s a fight because you did not call home when you travelled. No, your not calling home only triggered fears that she may not mean as much to you as you mean to her; it reminded her that she could lose you one day and so, your failure to call became an issue.

You think you are fighting because you were late in arriving home. No, your lateness without prior notice triggered some deeply hidden fears of neglect and abandonment and so your lateness became an issue when it shouldn’t have.

You think you are fighting because your boyfriend called you and you did not pick the call. No. Your failure to pick the call triggered some fears that you may be getting fed up with him and that you may be considering some other options and so, it became an issue.

Note that we never fight over the fears of losing you but we fight over issues that trigger fears of losing you. Once you understand this, you do not respond with anger and bitterness. Once you understand this, you can transform the way you fight and you will find that your fights are becoming less and less frequent and without rancor and bitterness.

END OF PART ONE

 

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HOW TO ATTRACT LOVE

Tomorrow is valentine’s day, and couples will express love in different ways. It is good that we focus on love from time to time because love is central in our lives. Without love, we are nothing really. And love affects all of us in ways that very little else can. If you meet someone today who is walking on air, it is because he or she has good news in his or her love life. If you see someone who is down and miserable today, it will be because things are not going that in his or her love relationship. There are bosses who are wonderful to work with when things are going well in their love relationships. But let things turn sour in their love relationships and these same bosses become very difficult, nasty and unreasonable. It is all about love relationship.

So if we can get our love lives right, life will be wonderful and we will be more productive and easier to get on with. But when we do not get our love lives right, life loses its color and nothing is fun.

Let us begin with how to find love. The quest or hunger for love is powerful in all of us, even those who deny that they are looking for love. So, how do we find love? Here are a few steps:

  1. Learn to love yourself. There are people who do not love themselves and wonder why no one loves them. Listen, if you do not love yourself, you will drive away love from yourself. A lot of the problems in love relationships come from the fact that one party does not love himself or herself. And when both parties do not love themselves, disaster and heartache characterize their relationship. Many people who do not love themselves spend their lives waiting in vain for someone to come and take up the burden of loving them. Love yourself if you are to attract love. So what does it mean to love yourself?

 (i) Know yourself, accept yourself, take better care of yourself, focus on your strengths and good points, and grow yourself.

(ii) Don’t put on airs and pretend to be what you are not. Nothing puts people off more than someone who puts on airs. If you are timid, admit it to yourself that you are timid and then go on to try to understand why you are timid. As you understand yourself, you will find that you are taking steps to overcome what you need to overcome and strengthen what you need to strengthen.

(iii)Then accept yourself. This means don’t compare yourself with others. Don’t look down on yourself. Stop putting yourself down. Taking better care of yourself means watching how you groom yourself – your dressing, your appearance, your body odour;  means adopting a healthy lifestyle; it means making sure that your give your body the right nutrition. Taking care of yourself means getting some exercise; it also means taking time to rest and recharge. Get enough sleep. It is amazing how much beauty you can lose if you don’t get enough sleep and the right nutrition. Then move on to the next step.

(iv) Grow yourself. Don’t be static in life or you are dead. A living, breathing person grows and becomes more the person he can be on a daily basis. What you are today is where you are in your journey to maturity. Don’t make where you are today your destination. Continue the process of growing. Be a better person today than you were yesterday. And remember, you grow with what you read, you grow with the people you associate with if they are good people who themselves are growing; you grow with learning from your experiences and letting those lessons guide you; you grow by holding yourself accountable to someone whose judgment and wisdom you can trust.

  1. Adopt love as a personality trait. When we think of love we often think only of the romantic or amorous aspect. But love is far bigger than that. You can make love a personality trait and for that check 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It reads:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Ask yourself: am I patient? Am I kind? Do I refrain from envy? Do I refrain from boasting? Am I humble? You can run down the list for yourself. Adopt these characteristics of love as your personality.

  1. Be an active participant in life. You cannot find real love by sitting on the sidelines of life as a spectator. Get involved. If you are member of a church, join one of the groupings and seek to stand out there. If you are in school, contribute to the life of the school either as sportsman/woman, or a leader or simply by making solid contributions at lectures with your questions and volunteering to do stuff in class. Wherever you find yourself, be a participant.. Don’t stay at home doing nothing. Be a part of something outside your home – be it a church, a social club or even a neighbourhood gathering. In other words, make yourself useful, get involved. It is amazing what doors will open for you when you make yourself useful. Participate in life. Live fully.
  2. Adopt a positive attitude to life. No matter your experiences and circumstances, you can still be positive about life. People with positive attitude to life are very attractive. We want to be around them; we want to listen to them; we want to have them for friends etc. If you can get to the point where anytime someone remembers you, the memory brings a smile on his face then you will enjoy a great love life.
  3. Watch the people around you. There are people who have bad reputations in every society. If you are around such people, you are regarded as someone with a bad reputation. If you are a decent girl but your friends have the reputation of being indecent, you cannot convince anyone that you are not indecent. If you are a morally upright man and all your friends are womanizers and booze men, people will regard you as a womanizer and a booze man. Whose parties do you attend? Who do you hang out with? If you hang out with the wrong crowd, then don’t be surprised to attract only the wrong sort.
  4. Develop social graces. Learn how to conduct yourself in all social situations – be it a party, a funeral or a wedding or just meeting people especially people you do not know or those a little older than you. Learn to hold a decent conversation so that your company is not awkward and difficult. Learn to smile when you are with people. Learn to use cutlery and learn how to conduct yourself at the buffet table. Learn how to eat in public so you don’t put people off; learn how to laugh in public so your laughter does not irritate others. But above all, learn to relax and be yourself in social situations. And remember to be interested in people.
  5. Be an easy and fun person to relate to. Don’t drag  matters. Don’t hold on too long to grudges. Don’t be ungrateful. Learn to show appreciation and express it often. And whenever you are wrong or you offend someone, apologize without any counter attack.

THINGS I’VE LEARNT

Today, we bring you an interesting and motivational piece from Omer B. Washington. Let this be a guide as you start your working week on a blessed note!

I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel

 

 

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The “Perfect Couple” Formula by Randy Bennett

Below is an article culled from edition 62 of Rover Report Monthly. Enjoy!

There’s no doubt that relationships can be complicated beasts. That doesn’t mean they can’t be great. You just have to follow the formula for success. It’s the same formula that those “perfect couples” you envy follow. Here it is:

Step 1: Eliminate the Destructive Ingredients

Let’s first take a look at getting rid of what I’ve found is THE single worst destructive ingredient — and that’s contempt. What do I mean by “contempt”?  Let me give you an example.

Okay, so you and your man have gotten into an argument. Are you simply disagreeing or are you yelling and screaming at each other? Is it getting personal? Do you feel you are on the attack and he is on the defensive or vice versa? Has anybody been brought to tears?

Arguments are okay, but when it starts to get personal, when you start attacking each other, putting each other down, showing contempt for each other… That’s when a vicious cycle ensues.

With every action, there is a reaction. If you say something in a certain tone of voice, you may get a response from your man that “matches” your tone of voice.

If you show contempt, he’ll show contempt, and then you’ll get into a destructive game of trying to one-up each other for the worst put-down and then all bets are off. This is a damaging cycle that you want to avoid at ALL costs.

So your first step is to immediately stop the contempt and personal attacks. This can be hard sometimes, especially if he’s personally attacking you, but it’s where this whole process HAS to start.

Step 2: Add a Constructive Ingredient

Instead of responding with an equivalent personal attack, what exactly ARE you supposed to do? Well, glad you asked!

You simply replace a destructive ingredient with a constructive one. In the case of our example, this means responding with care instead of with contempt.

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “You catch more bees with honey.” It means that there are two ways of saying something: One is sweet like honey; the other is tart like vinegar.

So if you’re arguing and he says, “You know, you’re really clingy,” stop yourself from reacting defensively and trying to come up with your own zinger to “one-up” him. If you want to melt his heart, that’s not the road to success. Instead, go for the honey-sweet approach: Take a deep breath, count to five, and then calmly say, “If you feel you need more space, then let’s discuss that.”

You just took the heat out of his fire, and instead showed him you care because you’re offering to consider his needs. That will remind him that you’re the dream girl he first fell in love with — warm, caring and loving.

Step 3: Rinse & Repeat to Enjoy a Honeymoon Forever

To have a successful relationship, one that draws your man to you like a bee to honey, avoid those destructive relationship ingredients and substitute them with a little honey. The more you do this, the more likely your relationship will be successful.

Think over what destructive habits you may have right now that could inadvertently be tearing your relationship apart and driving your man away. Then think about how you can respond instead, with honey.

It’ll be tough at first because your initial reaction will be an emotional one, but over time, after practice, it’ll become second nature.

 

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